my break before my dawn

you shattered my heart again. at least for the third time in this week. the first time was when you said you were tired of this relationship. at that moment, i immediately felt that you were like any other person in my life, who would leave me alone for any time of my life.

the second time was when u asked if i missed you and i said i didn't then you said you did not want to know the reason. what i was about to say later on was not any reason but what i wanted to say is that i've missed you a lot.

the third time was today when you smsed me to tell me about your trust in me. i felt that you were like any other person in my life, who would eventually give up on me until i proved myself again.

from these three occasions, your position has dropped several levels, i really did not know what to do. if i did sth, you would not be surprised, if i did not do sth, you would say that i did not think.

i felt like a jinx, causing ppl to feel unhappy. it's because of me that my grandmother has conflicts with her children, it's because of me that my parents become calculating with one another, it's because of me that you are unhappy. you once told me tt it was because i did not know how to make ppl happy. i've tried but to no avail.

i blamed myself for your results, i think you did not know that. everytime you felt bad, i felt even worse. i guessed that your family would have disliked me because of this. whenever you started talking any related to your results, i did not dare to say anything.

(high expectations to meet...)

an obstacle in my dance

haix... why does he always say this gal interesting tt gal interesting... it's very irritating lor... am i like invisible? i get jealous like super easily lah. and i try to avoid guys as much as possible. although he might disagree to this but i can readily just shut the guy out and stop talking to him what. but can he? he always must talk finish then go away what. everything to reject a gal is against his principals. so how? Excuses.

i put myelf infront of everybody. ya, so what? i can he expect me not to do tt? when i grow up in an environment inexistance to everyone, with a surname with LIM, and with a blood disorder. my maternal side of my family don't like the Lim family and i dun know why. my pateernal side of my family only see sons as the important child. and who would like a sick child? so tell me, where do i belong? nowhere.

sometimes i feel very unwanted. i didn't even know why i was born to this place. i would blame my parents for this. if both sides can't get along, why get married? and if things go wrong, am i to blame? when i was growing up, i had two choices. one was to stop where i was, never to grow up, continue to live in an innocent world. the other is to get married, start a new life and forget about all these. but, till today i still dun have the answer.

my grandmother was the most important person in my life. i dunno but i feel very attached to her. she knew me although she didn't know how i felt sometimes.

maybe the husband that i'm looking for is someone who gives me love but he must be prepared to not receive as much love tt he gives me. i dun know how to love... really. if i really go and think of it, i actually live my life as time passes and nothing else.

(dancing as the lead princess awaiting for her prince which will never come riding on a white horse...)